By Ruby Ingra
April 15, 2021
When you go into a bar or café’s loo and it’s so cluttered with graffiti that a minimalist would spontaneously combust, you know you’re in for a good time. Toilet breaks aren’t usually particularly entertaining – y’know, bodily functions and all that: but a good bit of bathroom graffiti can make all the difference. First and foremost, the number one rule of bathroom graffiti is that it needs to be short and sweet enough to be enjoyed within the average time it takes to pee. However, there’s a world of nuance and subtly to the art of graffiti. Therefore, I’ve created the Definitive Ranking of Bathroom Graffiti.
Phone Numbers and Booty-Call-Callouts: 6/10
Have you ever heard of the ‘call of the void’ expression? It’s a translation of the French term l’appel du vide and, somehow, phone numbers written in random public spaces always evoke an intense curiosity with me. What happens if I call it? Is a haphazard booty call waiting on the other end? How will I ever know unless I give in to the call of the void?
Art and Doodles: 10/10
The most fun of them all! There’s a level of confidence in people who simply draw straight onto a canvas – god knows I can barely make any art without the safety of an eraser or ctrl+z. Easily the most expressive albeit the traditional type of graffiti – and also the most memorable.
Inspirational Quotes: 1/10
I’m sorry, but no. There’s a very narrow time and place for self-help inspirational quotes and a quick trip to the loo is not one of them. Unless, perhaps, you’re having a particularly hard time in there, when maybe it’ll come in handy. But generally, a public bathroom isn’t exactly the space where I need to remember to love myself.
Political: 6/10
Toilet walls might be one of the more efficient (non-mainstream) forms of news media. I love when people take the time to write colorfully descriptive messages to our political leaders on the backs of bathroom stalls. Hey who knows, maybe that is an efficient way of contacting your parliamentary leaders – seeing as they generally act a bit tone-deaf to the wants and needs of their communities.
Drunken Memoirs: 9/10
These might be my favorite based on their incredibly sporadic and spontaneous nature. Sometimes they manifest as declarations of love for vodka, sometimes as FYIs that someone has thrown up in the corner. No matter which way they go, you’re certainly kept on your toes.
Insults: 3/10
You know the ones: short and sharp shout-outs that usually end up as insults. I’ve given it a low rating because if you’re going to call someone a raging a**hole on a bathroom wall, then I need specifics. Spill the tea, give me the juice.
Breakup Lamentations: 4/10
The “I hope you’re happy together” or the “stuck with memories of you”. A bit cliché but the drama of it all sparks my interest.
Plugging: 5/10
If you put your Instagram handle on a toilet wall I will probably look it up because, well, the call of the void. Perhaps an effective business model; however, for my lavatory leisure it’s a bit mediocre. Unless your Instagram feed is just that good.
Perhaps the most interesting aspect of bathroom graffiti is the amount of people who carry pens in their bags. Even so, next time you find yourself in a bathroom that’s just itching for some input, remember the Definitive Ranking of Bathroom Graffiti, and take advantage of having a guaranteed audience!